JOKES TO SPICE UP YOUR DAY
A compilation of 50 good jokes to spice up your day and make you happy.
01. GIRL: Very nice car. Where did you buy it?
BOY: I won it in a race.
GIRL: Waoo… How many people participated in the race.
BOY: The car owner, the police and myself.
02. Thought: More work more mistakes. Less work, less mistakes. And those who don’t make mistakes get promoted.
03. One of the best replies of husband to his waiting wife at home: I will be there in 15 minutes. If not, kindly read this message once again.
04. I failed my drivers licence test. The guy asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said I don’t know. Look around, listen to the radio.
05. ENGLISH TEACHER: Jack, the clock on the wall is not working but you have a wrist watch… What time is it?
JACK: 2 0 watch.
06. TEACHER: Tony, go to the map and find North America.
TONY: Here it is.
TEACHER: Now, Students, who discovered North America?
07. Having a wife is a part of living but living together with your wife and having a girlfriend is called the art of living.
08. TEACHER: Peter, what is your favourite dish?
09: GIRL: You would be a good dancer except for two things
BOY: What are the two things?
GIRL: Your feet
10. Whenever you have a problem, just sing your favourite song and you’ll realize that the problem is better than your voice.
11. A cute girl’s: status message on facebook says: “I’m feeling sad”. RESPONSE: 700 comments among which are “I wish you a nice mood”, ” Pls let’s go have a drink to make you happy” etc.
A guy’s status message on facebook says: “I feel like commitTing suicide”. RESPONSE: 2 LIKES and 1 SINGLE COMMENT which says “Dude, who is gonna use your bike now?”.
12. Why are women like stock market? Simply because they’re irrational and can bankrupt you if you’re not careful.
13. JUDGE: What was he doing when you arrested him?
COP: He was arguing with a driver
JUDGE: What’s the proof he was drunk?
COP: There was no driver there.
14. Hello students, if I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other. What would I have.
COMEDIAN: Big hands.
15. QUE: What does all single men at single bars have in common?
ANS: They are all married
16. When you are alone, when you are crying, when you are upset, don’t think of me. Just call me because incoming call is free for me and my friends.
17. TEACHER: Why is your nose red`?
MAX: I smelled a B-rose
TEACHER: But there is no “B” in rose.
MAX: There was in this one.
18. TEACHER: How can we get clean water?
PAUL: Bring the water from the rain and wash it.
19. A sign at a petrol pump reads: Please do not smoke here because your life may be worthless but petrol is certainly not.
20. Mr. Bean gets a cheque and throws it on the ground. Can you guess why? To see whether it will bounce or not.
21. AUTHOR ASKED HIS WIFE: Darling, which of my books do you like most?
WIFE: None, I prefer your cheque book instead.
22. I am looking for a bank that can give me a loan and thereafter leave me alone.
23. What is the similarity between a man and a dolphin? They both seem intelligent but it has not been proved yet.
24. FATHER: Why did you not go to do your exams?
SON: The questions were too difficult.
FATHER: How did you know about that without leaving the house?
SON: I know because the exam questions leaked and got to my hands 2 days ago.
25. QUESTION: What is the definition of a perfect lover?
ANSWER: A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
26. HUSBAND: We always keep fighting. Don’t you have something we can both agree on?
WIFE: Of course. We were both married on the same day.
27. TEACHER: Why is it always said that children brighten the home?
JACK: Because the children never turn any of the light off.
28. What is the difference between people who pray in the temples and people who pray in the exam center?
– Those who pray in the exam centers are damn serious.
29. MARK: Mummy, the bulb is fused.
MOTHER: How did you know that the bulb is fused?
MARK: By breaking it.
30. A lion came across a pig and said., “I roar and the jungle fears”. The pig replies “Nowadays I sneeze and the whole world trembles”.
31. A man goes to a library and asks librarian for a book on suicide and the liberian asks “but who will return the book?”
32. A small kid wrote to Santa Claus “send me a brother” Santa Claus wrote back “Send me your mother”.
33. Classroom fact: What does it mean whenever a teacher says, get out of my class? It means you won the argument.
34. MOTHER: Julia, why are you wearing your wedding ring in the wrong finger?
JULIA: Because I married a wrong man.
35. FEMALE PATIENT: Doctor, I have 12 fingers and my mouth seems to be the wrong way round. What am I?
36. QUAKE DOCTOR: What is the problem?
PATIENT: I snore so loud that I woke myself up. What can I do?
QUAKE DOCTOR: Sleep in another room.
37. A man woke up in a hospital after serious accident and shouted “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs”
DOCTOR: I know you can’t because your arms have been amputated.
38. BOSS: I am giving you a driver’s job and the starting salary is 500 USD
JOB SEEKER: You are great sir because the starting salary is ok but how much is the driving salary?
39. TEACHER: You never get anything right. What kind of job do you think you’ll get when you leave school?
STUDENT: Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV,
40. JACK’S FRIEND: Jack, are you not coming out to play?
JACK: No because I have to help my father with my home work.
41. QUESTION: What is the difference between a girl and a cigarette pack.
ANSWER: Both of them can make you sick but at least the cigarette pack comes with a warning.
42. JACK: My father shaves about 40 times daily.
JACK’S FRIEND: Why, is he crazy?
JACK: No, he is a barber.
43. QUESTION: What is the difference between a mother and a wife?
ANSWER: A mother brings you into the world crying while a wife ensures you continue to do so one way or the other.
44. TEACHER: Name two kings who showed the world a new way of living.
STUDENT: Smoking AND drinking.
45. A wedding day is the day a guy stands on stage, watches other beautiful girls and asks himself…Where the hell were these beautiful girls till now?
46. POLICE MAN: Stop! Stop! Your headlights are not working.
DRIVER: Move, Move! because even the brake is not working.
47. TEACHER: When was Rome built?
STUDENT: At night.
TEACHER: Why did you say at night?
STUDENT: Because my father always says that Rome was not built in a day.
48. TEACHER: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
TEACHER: Why did you mention zebra?
STUDENT: Because it is still black and white.
49. HUSBAND SMS TO WIFE AT HOME: Hello darling, I’ll be there in about 30 minutes time. If not, kindly read this message again.
50. HUSBAND TO WIFE: Sweetheart, would you say that I’m the only man you have ever loved?
WIFE: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question.
50b. QUESTION: What is the full meaning of MATHS.
ANSWER Mentally affected teachers harassing students.